Monday, June 8, 2015

Adventures with Lea #8: Happiness

     Hey guys, so this is a weird one...I just wanted to kind of explain something, so here we go.  As you all know, I struggle with depression and anxiety constantly and it's always been a problem for me.  My therapist once asked me if I had ever really been unconditionally happy and I honestly couldn't remember a time when I was, especially not since school happened.  Middle school and High school were absolute torture and every year felt worse and worse.  I even contemplated some bad things for a long time in my early high school years.  My family always told me that once I was 18, they'd put me on medicine like the rest of them that should make me feel better.  They also suggested therapy.
      At the beginning of the semester, I began going to individual therapy and I honestly didn't think it was making an impact on me.  However, I noticed something slowly.  Aside from being stressed, I was happy.  People looked up to me for study groups and help on assignments, my grades were higher than they needed to be so I actually had no reason to worry, no one was bullying me, and aside from a horrific lack of money, I was overall happy.  I was then prescribed Zoloft by my doctor and since then I've come to realize that for the first time in my life, I'm actually truly and honestly happy.
      I've always been stressed about one thing or another--this year the main cause of stress was my financial position.  I do have a scholarship, but driving to school alone takes half of that and books another quarter, so there's not much wiggle room.  This summer, I wouldn't be working at YWIC so I needed to find another job.  I've applied multiple places and freaked out over and over about how I'll have no money for anything at all until, suddenly, something clicked.  I went through the 5 stages of grief about my money situation:

Denial- Last semester I thought the money I was given by my grandparents and my scholarship was plenty and so I wasted tons on things I didn't even need or use.
Anger- I then became mad after realizing how much I spent, not just at myself but at everyone because I didn't want to accept that I was wrong and so I was in a constant state of frustration and throwing fits over everything.
Bargaining- I tried to get other people to help me and lend me money or buy things for me so I wouldn't have to face it myself.
Depression- I began to blame myself and then spiral into uncontrollable depression.  I felt bad because I had no money and I couldn't get a job to make money, and I didn't have time in the school year to work to get money, but I wanted to buy games and have fun but I had no money, and I felt like a horrible excuse for a daughter because of the way I acted at home and slowly everything piled up and a single thing would set me off and cause an avalance of all these emotions.
Acceptance-  Suddenly, just a few days ago when contemplating purchasing Splatoon, I realized the gae wouldn't go down in price over the next year and to wait would just make myself miserable because I would feel sad about not having it.  At first, I felt guilty for even thinking of buying it and then I just...suddenly snapped.  I accepted that it was alright for me to treat myself and not blame myself and literally hate myself for everything like I normally do.  I feel happy that I'm livestreaming and making Youtube Videos and becoming internet popular.  I feel HAPPY.  And perhaps part of this was realizing that people read this blog and watch my streams and like me.  Thank you Sydney for showing me that.

    So in conclusion, I am actually smiling more than I think I have in years, and even though I had an anxiety attack last night and I know my anxiety is still there, I think I can at least carry on.  So yes, I'll be slow with my blog posts, but I will be streaming and I will be here behind the scene to answer questions from you guys and write about all kinds of things!  I love you all and I hope you all learned something or just enjoyed seeing me ramble!  *smooch!* 
Lea's Tips:
  1. Don't blame others but don't blame yourself
    1. Occupying your thoughts with who is to blame is just a waste of your time.  The important thing is just understanding if you need to improve .
  2. Responsibility and Beating up on yourself are NOT THE SAME THING
    1. I realize that I constantly and harshely beat up on myself because I feel guilty about everything and anything.
    2. The important thing is knowing that I'm responsible, but instead of hurting myself over it, I need to fix it and move on and up.
  3. Words don't help at first...
    1. Me telling you all this might not help at first, but maybe having these words in your head will help someone else understand themselves and their own struggles.  And yes, I only talked about one very specific instance of my stress and anxiety, but there are hundreds of other instances.
  4. Better doesn't mean fixed
    1. Like I said, I ha an anxiety attack last night and I know I still am terrified of the thought of death and so many other things, but I do admit to seeing myself become better and able to function and smile.
    2. It's not something that will fix overnight, but I'm always here for you my lovelies!
  5. I wanna go play Splatoon
    1. Imma go play Splatoon.
Bye!!!!  Remember to follow me on twitter @Alias_ Lea to know when I stream at and when I do other stuff like post videos on youtube!  You can also donate here to help aliviate some of my money woes and help me survive in the world of adult hood!  Have a good day!  <3