Monday, December 14, 2015

Real Talk About Depression

        Being depressed is the worst thing ever because it's not being "sad."  When you're sad, you can watch things you like or make active decisions to make yourself feel better, but when you're depressed, you can't.  First of all, you can't think of what to do to make you "happy" and even if you can eventually get yourself to watch a video or whatever, there's no guarantee you'll even feel better.   Nothing sounds good or feels worth doing. Then, you question every single life choice you've ever made.  No matter how many times people tell you not to do that, it's hard not to think about everything that's shitty that's going on or has happened or could happen.  This is when you start making crappy decisions and deciding drastically how to live the rest of your life.  Then everything piles on and you start to feel like total crap. 
       Then, there's the hours where everything is nothing.  You're not sad, you're not happy, you're nothing, until the random spout of crying.  Then, you start to think about how everyone else will perceive your sadness and you start to feel guilt because there are billions of people who have more reasons to be sad or depressed than you, so you feel like you shouldn't be sad and the guilt makes it worse.  You feel like you're an even worse person than you decided from all the previous gathering of reasons to hate yourself.  Then of course, everyone wants you to do something to "get out of your depression" but it seems like a personal assault on you and turns into more self loathing.  Then, you want people to know how you feel, you want to tell others, but the truth is, no one wants to hear about it.  Most people label it as a "first world problem" and walk away, or on the other side, people try to "fix" you and make it better, when really you just want people to know you're not feeling good and you don't want to feel worse. 
     I guess that's why I wrote this.  I don't want sympathy or apologies or whatever, I just want to talk about how I feel awful.