Being a Secret Admirer

    Having and/or being a secret admirer is like being trapped in the midst of an ocean, seeing a small object on the horizon, not being able to tell if it's a ship or just a rock.  I find myself in this sea.  Valentine's day is the worst time to be here.  It's as if there are hundreds of tiny rafts for two, floating along, mocking you as you try to swim to the horizon.  Even worse is when giant cruise liners made just for one couple spead past you, laughing. The thing you fear most is that the object is simply a rock from atop which you can watch the rafts go by.

   Ah, Valentine's day, a very strange holiday fueled on raging teenage hormones and horrible, overpriced chocolate.  I've been through many stages on that most odd of days, so let's start there:

     Elementary school is the best place to be on February 14th.  Each kid had a special goodie bag, specially decorated with your name.  Everyone had to bring Valentine's for each person in the class, no discrimination, so everyone felt appreciated and loved.  The best part was impressing people with your holographic cards or your special candies you gave in tiny, heart covered bags.  I would get two sets of valentine's, ones for the boys and I and one for the girls.  Generally I had Star Wars, Pokemon, or Yu-Gi-Oh Valentine's for Nick, John, Joey, etc. and Princess or Hello Kitty designs for Seattle and the other girls in the class because many of them were nearly appalled by my tomboy-ness.  Elementary school, specifically K-2 were the best years of Valentine's bliss.  The next few years began to lose that "everyone" factor the first few had, perhaps to save money and time.  Some classes didn't even have parties!  I do remember that 4th grade I got my first real Valentine's gift from a boy--a stuffed dog.  The truth is, that is all I remember of Valentine's 4-5 grade.

Also, whatever kid brought in Fun-Dip was a God among men. 

     Then came middle school.  Oh lord, middle school.  As you all know, it was a very hard time for me, being bullied and trying to find my identity.  By then, most people were really beginning to date.  Parties were a thing of the past since there was real work to be done.  You only gave Valentine's to your closest of friends, in my case, Joellen.  I did have a wonderful boy with me one Valentine's but for the life of me can't remember anything but the gift he gave me.  We might have gone to a movie or dinner?  I don't remember.  Sorry!

     Now, there is Hell.  High School is when Valentine's becomes a partisan holiday.  People divide into 3 groups:  Those in a relationship, those who are single with lots of friends and are happy anyway, and me--the lonely singles.  In High School, people stop giving to friends and focus on their loved ones.  I'll admit, for the first two years I was the angry cynical type, saying Valentine's was a dumb commercial holiday made solely to make me feel worse; constantly having to confront couples engulfing each other's faces and girls walking through the halls with giant bouquets and stuffed animals can do that to a girl.  The worst part of Valentine's is me.  You see, when I find someone I like, I essentially latch onto them, it becomes extremely hard for me to look at anyone else and I fall hopelessly like a girl in a romantic comedy; however, unlike a romantic comedy, I never get the guy.  Sophomore year was crippling--I fell for a guy who turned out to be a horrible person who's friends sent me threatening texts when they found out I had a crush on him.  If you couldn't guess, this turned me off dating for a while.  Instead, my parents bought me roses and a balloon to take to school just to feel better about myself.  My parents have always been my biggest fans on the heart day.

Nectar of the gods

      Instead, Junior year I gave Portal and Pokemon themed Valentine's to all my friends at my lunch table and bought cheap message hearts (a festive favorite) and played videogames by myself.  It was odd, but the idea of Z was actually able to help me since I was so focused on my comic fantasy.  I'll probably post last year's Valentine's special later!  This year though, I have to constantly listen to the mean girl in my theater class brag about having a boyfriend for 2 years, ridiculing me for never having had a first kiss, and all that other awful stuff. The worst part is, I again find myself in the sea of secret admirers.  I have found a guy I like here at my school.  Ironically, I was writing this in the same room as him this morning and kept glancing around to make sure he wasn't able to read my screen.  The worst part:  he has a girlfriend.  Nothing is more heartbreaking than swimming all the way to the horizon, only to find a rock and then see the very ship you wanted it to be sailing away.

     I know there are also a lot of you like I used to be, hating the holiday because you have to watch each friend get gifts.  This year, tying doing a date with your friends!  Go to a movie with the girls or the guys!  Have a game night for a group, no couples invited!  Give derpy internet Valentine's to everyone!  Don't let this get you down.  Valentine's really is over-inflated.  Just pop by the grocery store on the 15th and reap the discounted benefits!  Don't think this year I'll be moping about!  On Valentine's I'll post my 10 Tips to Surviving Valentine's!  This is basically a little prelude!

     Sorry for the HUGE dose of sappyness!  I hope you all enjoy my longer posts though.  I have a long practice tomorrow for Beauty and the Beast, but hopefully, I'll get that Clash of Heroes video up and maybe another one soon.  We'll shoot for at least 1 video every 2 weeks?  We'll see! Have a great day!  <3