Thursday, December 12, 2013

Angst ahead

    Never in my life have i cared about what my body looked like.  My face?  Yes.  I always thought i had a weird mouth and uneven eyes but i honestly try not to care anymore.  Body though?  Never.  I never cared what the little tag said (well, except the price of course) and i never minded having to get some new clothes.  That is, until yesterday.  I suddenly feel more self-conscious and horrible than ever in my life and on all days it could happen, it had to be today--the day my grandmother was taking me Christmas clothes shopping.  I hate clothes shopping in general, but i can bare it and maybe even like it when i go with one of my sisters because they are always understanding and help me find cute things i will like.  My grandmother however...was trying to force me to go to Hollister because "things were on sale" but i instantly veered away because i knew everything inside would make me feel worse.  All this because i couldn't fit in hardly anything in the costume room.  
     I felt awful, not quite being right for one size but it looking infinitely worse the next up.  I suddenly hated clothes i would otherwise love.  I felt like i wanted to cry because of a stupid shirt for the first time in my life.  However, after finding a cute top and an adorable red dress, i could calm down a little.  I ended up only getting a silver circle scarf, a pair of comfy jeans (there was only 1 of the size i needed since i need longs -_- darn you legs!), 2 shirts (that i don't feel like describing because im lazy), and a red dress.  That's it.  But after some food and a soda with some ranting to my mother, i feel a tiny bit better.
     I know you guys hate to hear this kind of stuff but i have to tell someone...i can't always pretend to be the spunky person my friends think i am.  I can't always be a source of laughter and stories because i often feel terrible and hide it out in the real world.  I'm going to go off to reading a ton of Crime and Punishment because i need to read all of part 1 by tomorrow.  Tomorrow though, i have a much happier post about why i love winter!  It's almost done but needs some spiffing up.  That's it for my angst fest guys.
Night <3