Tuesday, October 22, 2013

[Misleading title to convince people to read an angsty post anyway]

WARNING!  ANGST AHEAD!  TO SKIP ANGST, PLEASE SKIP TO AFTER THE LINE TO THE FINAL PARAGRAPH.  

Some days, you wake up feeling weird and don’t know why.  You shrug it off as just a feeling but soon realize it was a warning that the day ahead is going to be a mess.  The day begins alright.  You feel prepared.  You have all of your homework done and ready and you head for school.  It begins when you’re late for swing choir only by a few minutes not because of any fault of your own.  You feel bad.  The first class however, you feel confident.  You did your homework and you’re ready to go, that is, until you find out you did the homework due next class, not today and now you have to do the other assignment.  That’s fine though.  You did your calculus and you feel fine.  Until you realize you left your work in your book back home.  You start to feel awful which is just made infinitely worse by the extremely complex equations on the board that not even the best and brightest in class understand. 
Your confidence shattered, you head for lunch, hoping to enjoy the strange cake you got from one of your mother’s student’s presentations.  You go.  Lunch feels more awkward then normal.  Everyone is too quiet and everything funny you say feels strained-forced.  You sit (as always) along the railing of the garden planter thin while 2 friends take 2 of the many chairs at the table.  Another friend says she is going off to get food and you assume the other will be back after she finishes her lunch club so you start to eat.  Suddenly, a group of underclassmen start to take chairs one by one without saying anything.  You yell something rude along the lines of “sure you can have those, thanks for asking” until they start to take the last 2 seats you need for your friends.  You stand and rip them away saying “our friends are off campus getting food.”  The little brats skulk back to their table and talk behind you back but you are too engrossed in a game to acknowledge it.  They try again to take the chairs so you put bags in them to try and show they’re occupied. 
     You try to ignore it but you see them look at you, whisper, and laugh.  The endless stream of laughter from their table is obviously directed straight at you, the one person facing them.  Soon, one of the friends leaves, leaving just the 2 of you and 3 empty chairs.  Finally, the off-campus friend comes back and gets her bag only to tell you she’s going to eat with someone else.  One pretentious prick of a kid comes over from the table and leans on a chair, facetiously saying “so what happened to those friends of yours?”  You boil up inside and respond “they were going to eat with us but now their not so take the chair and just go.”  He drags it off laughing as your skin turns hot.  You feel stupid.  Your friends left you, not exactly by intention, to look like a friendless moron trying to look like they have friends. 
More talking.  More looking.  More laughing.  It never stops.  Their eyes, especially the trashily dressed girl across the way, are all on you until they break into a fit of laughter.  You try to ignore it.  You try to pretend that they are just dumb kids who have no respect for anything.  That’s until a tin-foil ball of who knows what flies right past your head with a tail of laughter like a comet.  What are you supposed to do?  Throw it back and be as immature and pathetic as they are?  Burst into tears for no reason?  Yell profanity and flip them off?  No.  You sit there and boil (along with some profanity, it’s true) and try not to think back to middle school.  Of course, you have no control of what your mind does.  You think back to when you were picked on every day.  When every word whispered about you was behind your back and followed with laughter.  When girls would pretend to be your friend and cause you to act foolish until everyone laughs at you.  You fall.  You shatter.  You’re no more than a glass doll people use until it breaks and buy another.
Then you try to remember the 3 years spent trying to move on:  the abuses of 9th grade where you had to learn where loyalties lie and how backstabbing truly works.  Then, you happily remember the past 2 years where you stood above it all.  You gained respect as a funny person.  Sure, the guy you liked straight up called you stupid to your face and was more condescending than anyone you could imagine.  Sure, even your friends could be condescending and rude.  Yes, you still have an arch-nemesis lurking the halls of your school.  But you learned something.  You learned not to cry until you got home.  You learned to put on a brave face. 
But suddenly, today, you can’t remember that.  The pure, boiling anger of being humiliated by people who probably can’t do Calculus BC or be years ahead in English, science, and history, people who probably can’t program a robot or make a light-up bag, people who probably have no idea what CSS means or what HTML stands for, and especially people who are probably doing it all to get a rise out of you, causes you to burst into tears just trying to talk.  You have to literally cry to mommy to make it better and just prove their pathetic point that you are whatever they were saying.  You feel progressively worse until you have to write a stream of second person consciousness onto a blog that has over 4000 views but still feels like is an empty place with no one truly listening.  How many people will actually understand you?  How many people will you lose because they don’t want to hear your ranting?  How many people are actually thinking “o wow, poor her” versus “what a crybaby moron?”  You worry over things you’ve never cared about or haven’t in years all because a few kids got in your head.  Not to mention the headphone jack on your laptop is broken.    



Hey everyone.  Sorry for all that.  If you decided not to read all that, the summary is, kids were mean at lunch and I feel pathetic.  Hormones make everything so much worse.  I thought of making this into a rant time but I couldn’t even think that hard.  This is just pouring out of my fingers.  I’ll try not to be so angsty in future posts but sometimes…no matter how hard I try I can’t hide how upset I am from you guys.  Anyway.  If you’d vote on the polls that’d be nice so I can try to learn how to livestream to make a thing for you all and maybe if you’re lucky (and I get them done in time) I’ll post my Me+Free Halloween Special for this year!  I’m pretty sure it won’t really be too spoilery so it should b ok.   Other things you guys could do is comment, write-in, +1, and for the love of all that is good, someone please tell me how to use twitch.tv and my video camera!!!  Bye everybody.              

4:50;  hello everyone this post was written around 1 today so i thought i'd give you an update.  i feel much better now that i've had some time to just relax and calm down and we learned some cool songs in choir.  Now, i'm kicked back with some Pokemon and no homework so i'm going to enjoy it!  Later guys!!