My class after lunch is theater: generally one of my favorite classes. We did "cold readings" and my partners and i were fine so there was nothing really wrong with that. The trouble came in playing games. There is a particular game we play called mafia in which 3 people are designated as mafia, 2 as cops, and 1 as a doctor. The goal is not to tell people who you are and (if your mafia) kill all the citizens and (if your citizens) to find the mafia and vote them out before they win. I wont explain the whole game because im sure someone has put it up on the internet at some point. Generally, i'm used to playing this game with my friends and we all can kind of tell when each other are lying and it's mainly just fun. Today though, it wasn't. Why? Because i was repeatedly called a dumba**, a f***ing moron, and other things. This happens basically every time i play it in this new class because of these 2 girls. These 2 girls are apparently sophomores who have decided to be the most obnoxious they can be. They talk when people present, don't prepare their stuff, etc etc etc. I've tried to avoid them and mainly stay with my 2 close friends in the class along with basically everyone but them. I was actually paired with the less mean one for our auditions for the class play and gained a little respect for her when she asked me for advice, took it, and preformed really well. However, her friend is intolerable. Her friend talks about me behind my back and constantly says stuff like what i already said above to me and the others. She acts like its funny but just glares at us. Today, as we played, they both repeatedly said these things to me. My teacher tried to get them to stop as he does every time, but it didn't work. I knew it wasn't to be mean or anything, but i was even told to shut up by one of my close friends and the other wasn't there today to help me. I don't really blame him but it was just another grain of salt in an open wound. It reminded me a lot of back in middle school when i was bullied but much worse. You can probably tell by now but i'm extremely sensitive and especially about these certain things as it seems these are what people always default to when insulting me. Younger me would probably have burst into tears or maybe even a fit of rage right there and then, but i just messed with my necklace, kept playing, and ignored it. At the end of class, as we stacked chairs, i muttered under my breath and caught the attention of a few of my friends. They said i wasn't the only one feeling the way i was and that i should address the teacher and i know i should....but the same had happened to me back in year one and so many times in my life in general, i was trying to just become callous towards it: not be that "tattle tail." Plus, i was half afraid that if she found out she'd beat me senseless. I walked away, alone, to choir.
I have never felt so loved in choir. You all know from previous posts i feel alienated and distant and generally only talk to my best friend but of course, she wasn't there today as the universe loves to make me upset. Instead, my new alto buddies who were in a play with me last year was willing to check on me and see why i was on the verge of tears. One gave me a hug and they agreed that they knew her and didn't like her either. That's when my theater teacher walked in. I jumped down from the risers, half afraid that something might be wrong. Instead, the best thing happened. He told me my friends had brought it up to him that she had been bullying me directly and he assured me it wouldn't happen again and he wouldn't let her do that while also giving me multiple compliments to make me feel better. I am truly indebted to my friends and him as well.
Afterwards, my mom and i went swimming (without realizing i left my laptop in her classroom) and talked. I lightened up pretty quickly and began to do my normal messing around in the wave pool. At one point, i
|Isn't it ccuuuuttttteeee?????|
To everyone else who gets bullied...who think of hurting themselves or suicide or that they're isolated and alone, i have too. A lot goes wrong, a lot gets scary (like Mr. Lamprey there) but the truth is, you've read my blog. You've seen how things get funny again and happy again: maybe a bit mundane, but anxieties can be if not contained then dealt with. A lot of your friends will say "get over it" or "just ignore it" (as do mine) and we all know that doesn't work, but we all have to find a way to cope. Mine is my blog and my roleplays and my writing! My suggestion? Watch Too Cute Kittens. Seriously. I tried being angry and crying during that show once. DOESN'T WORK GUYS. Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole and a Half (one of my all time favorite sites) has a great list of things to do to feel better on days like this although warning, she does cuss. Allie herself was actually my inspiration to start a blog and her posts about her depression have really helped me find my pieces of corn. I hope you all find yours.
That's it for me everyone and i really hope you all check back constantly (yes even you Denmark and your strange obsession with that weird post.....). I love you guys, i really do, and i hope i was able to make at least one person feel a bit better today...or at least helped them learn about lampreys and their lust for the blood of their enemies. Goodnight! <3
UPDATE: Wow you guys...i only posted this about 20 minutes ago and i already have +3 which for my posts is pretty good so...thank you guys a ton. It might not be a comment or anything but it means a lot to me that you guys are out there for me. Thank you so much! <3